We had a very long talk after a... 2-ish year absence. Very very interesting. I remember why we're friends and why i'm only platonically attracted to her.

It's a funny thing to give up on all that "pretty" stuff you believed in as a kid, that kept you going all through your teenage years and early adulthood. Because everything you've done up to this point, you've done because you believed it was the right way to do things. Then, all of a sudden, every single plan you've had prepared from now till your retirement is wrong.

All of it! Wrong! Worthless! It's like your entire life is this monumentally idiotic waste of time because you suddenly realize none of it is real. Then you realize none of your "Friends" are really there, none of the people you love understand what you're trying to tell them.

And then you start to wonder why the woman you've decided to spend the rest of your life with is with you in the first place. Didn't she say she felt the same way you did? Didn't she have dreams similar to yours? Apparently not... either that or those hopes and dreams weren't very important to her if she just agrees with your new outlook.

To think I actually liked my life better when my occupation involved performing physical violence on people!

I just can't believe what's happened to me over these last few months... I feel like i've got no one to turn to anymore. What good were those times I kept my friends company when they were depressed over some random guy they'd met a week ago? Or those guys who'd needed cheering up after they'd been dumped? Or the friends I helped with homework and assignments? Those guys I served NS with? Hell, what about my family?

Not one of them even bothers to LISTEN to what I'm trying to say!

"Hey, can we meet to talk?"
"Is it about insurance?"
"Not really..."
"Not interested!"

That's it? My entire lifetime's worth of relations and that's the only bloody answer I get?! And all this time I'd believed that everyone was inherently good? And that I was going to adopt children one day and sponsor orphanages, start scholarships, conserve the environment for fututre generations, start a game design company that treated it's designers well... All this time I'd believed that everyone deserved a chance, that they were all worthy of a shot at their own dreams. And I'd intended to help them. I swear, you have no idea how determined I was to "save the world" and all that...

And.. now I'm here. My career's going straight to hell becaue I wasted all my time on people who never appreciated me, my 2 bank accounts are empty, my "friends" can't be bothered to even talk to me, my clients are complaining that they're "Not making enough" during a MOTHERFUCKING RECESSION and they want to go over to P***ential, and my girlfriend, that I decided to marry becuase she believed in the same things I did is... getting sick of my depression.

And if I look at it from the other side of the fence, all those old guys who've made it big by lying, cheating, stealing... They're @#$%^ing fine! They've got 3 houses, they're genuinely happy, their kids are happy and chasing their dreams. And their grandkids are set for life because of the @#$ing rock solid financial planning they've got that's backed by the millions they've stolen from STUPID WORTHLESS BASTARDS WHO DESERVE TO BE CHEATED OF EVERYTHING THEY OWN.

And where am I? Hell, I don't even want to adopt now...

A: Dinner still on?
Me: Sorry, can't afford it.
A: Nevermind then.

@#$%ing @#$%ed up @#$%^ing @#$ week i'm having...

43.16200

42.16600

41.17000

40.17500

39.17900

38.18400

37.18900

36.19400

35.20000

34.20500

33.21200

32.21800

31.22500

30.23300

I do alot of stupid things. Anyone that knows me will agree to it.. and I repeat those acts of utter stupidity often. Well, some acts at least. But today I thought I'd talk about one thing in particular that I'd always believed in and always stuck to. Because I'm starting to think otherwise;

"I do what I do, not for the assholes I know, but for the all the decent people I've yet to meet."

It makes sense doesn't it? To get over your own baseless mistrust of everyone but yourself before you hurt someone who genuinely needs your help? To see everyone as innocent before they prove themselves guilty?

It's an easy when you're 21. You're living on your own, you're heavily insured and your family will be so filthy rich if something should ever go wrong that you're surprised your brother hasn't attempted to push you down the stairs yet. And you've just given up on the romantic relations in favor of a simple sexually satisfying relationship... You have no one and nothing to be immediately responsible for anymore and you're just doing what you've always wanted the way you always wanted to.

It's easy to trust everyone you meet. So what if some of them lied? So what if MOST of them lied? So what if some of those bastards were people I'd have dropped everything to help? So what if I'd actually dropped everything I was doing to help most of them? So what if they never made good on their promises? Seriously, what decent person would honestly be offended that they weren't materially rewarded for helping someone? You help because you want to and nothing more. Expect nothing and all life is a surprise right?

It was easy. Till I started becoming responsible for things I never expected. Pets, Samantha, Orphaned children? I'd never expected any of these things to come happen... And the thing that really killed me was when I realized that if I'd never helped some of the people I chose to 18 months ago, I wouldn't be in this situation.

I'd be able to get my own place and take my dog back.
I'd be able to be there for the most amazing woman I've ever been with instead of having to work extra.
I'd be able to help put some orphaned children I'd fallen in love with through school.

But I can't! Because I chose to trust people I'd though were my friends. People i'd known, in some cases, since I was 13. People that for absolutely no logical reason, chose to screw me over for nothing more than $7800... and.. I honestly don't know what I hate more, myself for thinking that I could trust them just because we grew up together? Or because, even as theft goes, what they did was sub-humanly stupid! Yes, SUB-HUMAN. Stupidity so mind boggling, the likes of which I'd expect from that suicide raccoon!

[link] <-- Suicide Raccoon video

And for that matter, how is it possible that I even managed to get screwed by 4 different people I'd known since I was 13 and 14? On 4 separate occasions?

All of which went along the lines of:
~~~~
S.Raccoon: Hello friend, I haven't met you in awhile, but I need financial help. I require $100.

Me: Sure, but can I ask about the situation? And when I'll you'll be able to pay me back?

S.Raccoon: I am jobless and need to pay bills, my mother is jobless due t injury/incompetence and father has cancer/ran off years ago. I'll pay you back when I can...

Me: Do you need more? How's your mum/dad? Also, can we meet up? I can offer you a $4000 a month job with AIA. I'll walk you though everything, pay for your exams and we'd be working together. I mean,

S.Raccoon: Great! When do I start? Oh, can I have $1500/$1300 instead then? Since I'll have a job? I'll pay you back half on my first paycheque and another half on my 2nd?

Me: Of course

S.Raccoon: Really? Thanks!

Me: We've been friends since Sec 1-ish right? No worries.

*3 Months Later*

Me: Hello? Hey, this is the 4th time I'm leaving a message on your phone.. what happened? We were supposed to meet for the tutorial last week. Call me ok? I'm worried about you.

*4 Months Later*

Me: I have no fucking idea what you're doing... but if you don't want the job you could at least tell me and start paying me back. You picked up when I called with someone ELSE's number.

*6 months later*

Manager: Hey, I saw "S.Raccoon" working at Delifrance at Changi Airport T2/Songs of the Sea for $3.50 an hour/$1600 a month, wasn't she supposed to join us?

Me: stupid-cocksucking-daugher-of-an-incestuous-inbred-failed-rice-farming-ass-fucked-piece-of-shit!

*12 months later*

S.Raccoon: Hey! How are you? Can we be friends?

Me: I thought we were... can you pay me back at least some? Doesn't have to be all at once like $300 a month?

S.Raccoon: I have no money but i'll pay you back someday ok?

Me: I thought you had a job?

S.Raccoon: Yeah... I need the money for my family's Cable TV subscription and school fees/

Me: You already have a diploma! What school fees?!

S.Raccoon: I'm doing a degree!

Me: -Crying inside at the fact that my friends were really giant suicidal raccoons from outer-space-

*18 Months later*

Me: Hey... I know you can't pay me back now but.. Can you just sign a no-interest-loan form so that I can get it back if you die or something? Oh and... Can I have $50?

S.Raccoon: I don't trust your form! You'll use it to screw me over!

Me: -Crying inside at the fact that my friends were really giant suicidal raccoons from outer-space-

~~~~~

And at first i never really bothered me until I started thinking about how I wanted to look after my dog instead of leaving her at the EX's place,Churchil, the cat Sam and I used to feed and play with died homeless because I didn't have a home to take her to, I want to be able to travel the world with my Samantha but I can't afford the time and I want to be able to put some children through school/pay for possible reconstructive surgery because they're the ones that really deserve to be trusted...

I let them down didn't huh? I mean... I could've done so much for so many people(I consider my cat and dog people) who needed it.

And I'm left asking myself if I really did the right thing by trusting people I had no reason not to trust.

And I'm afraid? I think...

Of being hurt again by people i thought were friends

and

Of turning away someone who really deserves help...


I don't ever want to make that mistake.